Disordered Bonding Pattern: An Explanation

Disordered Bonding Pattern: An Explanation

What's the lowdown on disorganized attachment?

If your relationship vibe is a hot mess expression of love one minute and running for the hills the next, you might be dealing with disorganized attachment. This post dives deep into all things disorganized, from what it looks like in a relationship to ways to mend it.

First, let's break down disorganized attachment: It's one of the four attachment styles developed during childhood, primarily based on interactions with caregivers. These patterns carry on into adult relationships. The four attachment styles are:

1. Anxious: Struggling with feelings of unworthiness
2. Avoidant: Fear of commitment and intimacy
3. Disorganized: A mix of anxious and avoidant attachment, resulting in high anxiety and avoidance in relationships
4. Secure: Those with positive self-image and open to romance

So, what's it like dating when your attachment style is disorganized? It's a roller coaster ride, my friend. Consider Sandra's rocky experience:

Sandra met someone special and it seemed perfect. Great conversation, good chemistry, laughs galore. But it slipped away. Even though she craves affection and closeness, Sandra is tortured by anxiety about rejection and abandonment and the fear of being controlled. Jealousy eventually takes over, and she starts testing her partner's limits.

Sandra's partner gets confused and frustrated, and it all culminates in an ultimatum, ending the relationship. Sandra regrets the split but soon contacts her ex for a redo, and here we go again!

Why Peddle This Crazy Merry-Go-Round?

People with disorganized attachment have been its victims, usually due to experiencing trauma or neglect as children. Their parents might have displayed dissociative behaviors toward them.

Here's an interesting tidbit: The purpose of attachment styles is to increase the chances that people will survive their childhood. That's why disorganized individuals develop this emotional whirlwind. It's also referred to as "anxious-avoidant" or "fearful avoidance."

Sandra's constant ride of extremes comes from her fear of love and fear of being hurt at the same time. She experiences life's highs and lows so deeply it's hard to tell what steady ground looks like, landing her the name "Spice of Lifers."

But hey, it's not all doom and gloom. Creativity appeals to her, and she can read people's emotions like a pro.

When dating, Spice of Lifers go through fast cycles of anxiously wanting to be in a relationship and avoidant tendencies that force them to push love away. This emotional roller coaster attracts insecure partners, and they often trigger each other.

Disorganized Attachment in Action

So, what does disorganized attachment look like up close? Sandy's story is a good example, but let's zoom in on some specific behaviors:

1. Fear of rejection and abandonment
2. Terrified of being over-controlled and invaded
3. Reduced trust and obsession with signs of infidelity
4. Picking fights and testing partners' love
5. Confused partners who become defensive or share feelings they don't mean
6. Breakups followed by regret and repeated attempts at reconciliation

The Source of the Chaos

Underneath the chaos lies the polyvagal theory, which explains the shutting down of the dorsal vagal nerve. Normally, the dorsal vagus helps the body find equilibrium between stimulated and relaxed states.

But for a disorganized partner, things flip-flop between emotional depth and fear with increasing internal conflict, forcing the feelings to abruptly switch off altogether. It's a confusing world for them.

Recognizing Disorganized Attachment

Are you wondering if you're spinning on this emotional merry-go-round? Check out this list:

• Fear of rejection and emotional hurt
• Overwhelmed by deep emotions and intense passion
• Polarizing personality—hot one minute, cold the next
• Self-criticism and black-and-white thinking
• Loneliness and a search for connection despite feeling unworthy
• Moodiness or labeled "too intense"

But there's more good stuff, too:

• Creativity
• Empathy
• Authentic compassion
• Persuasiveness
• Defender of the underdog or love of the anti-hero

How Disorganized Attachment Plays Out in Relationships

Being a Spice of Lifer, you're filled with emotional depth, but it can be overwhelming. You don't want to be a burden, so you feel lost when it comes to your true needs, especially in a relationship.

You see life in black and white, making it hard to find a balance between being too critical and accepting your partner as they are. Your relationship goes through these phases:

1. Exciting and passionate
2. Reality sets in
3. Distrust creeps in, fueled by searches for proof of infidelity
4. Hostile reactions from your partner, like silence or mean words and accusations

Dating While Disorganized: A Recipe for Disaster

When dating, Spice of Lifers attempt sabotage in many ways:

1. Through excessive contact followed by withdrawal
2. By keeping score and feeling entitled to certain actions from their partner
3. By exhibiting hostility with harsh tones, eye rolls, or passive-aggressive behavior
4. By using emotional manipulation through contradictory statements or saying words that aren't meant
5. By people-pleasing and burnout over time
6. By claiming they're not ready for commitment when acting like a committed partner
7. By saying they want a committed relationship but acting against it
8. By focusing on their partners' flaws
9. By clinging to idealized past partners
10. By displaying hyper or hypo sexuality

The Impact on Marriage

In long-term relationships or marriage, the emotional merry-go-round continues. Partners might adapt to each other's attachment styles over time, falling into the anxious-avoidant trap. Thankfully, it is possible to escape that trap and find healing for disorganized attachment.

The Path to Healing

Healing disorganized attachment involves a combination of self-awareness, emotional regulation, relationship skills, and, often, professional support:

Emotional Awareness and Regulation: Develop a better understanding of your emotions and learn to manage them. Techniques like mindfulness practices, journaling, and emotional validation are key.

Communication and Relationship Skills: Improve your ability to communicate effectively, practice active listening, express your needs, and embrace the emotions and needs of your partner.

Professional and Therapeutic Support: Consider attachment-focused therapy, couples therapy, or therapy for self-soothing skills to help you process past trauma, develop healthy relationship patterns, and cope with stress and emotions.

Creating Corrective Relationship Experiences: Seek out supportive, secure relationships with friends, partners, or therapists. For parents, mindful parenting can also play a role in creating safe, secure environments for themselves and their children.

1. If one's relationship is unpredictable, swinging between passionate love and sudden distance, it might be a sign of disorganized attachment, a pattern that originated from childhood interactions with caregivers.
2. People with disorganized attachment, like Sandra, often struggle with their fear of being controlled and rejected, leading to extreme behaviors and tests of their partner's loyalty.
3. Trauma or neglect during childhood tends to create disorganized attachment, causing individuals to feel trapped in an emotional whirlwind characterized by highs and lows, known as "anxious-avoidant" or "fearful avoidance."
4. creative talents are attractive to disorganized individuals, who can also excel in reading peoples' emotions, yet their relationships are marked by confusion, fear of intimacy, and patterns of anxious attachment and avoidance.
5. In relationships, disorganized individuals go through rapid cycles of wanting closeness and pushing it away, leading them to attract insecure partners who trigger each other's behaviour.
6. Disorganized attachment can manifest through fear of rejection and infidelity, confusion in communication, and sudden breakups leading to regret and repeated attempts at reconciliation.
7. Healing disorganized attachment involves self-awareness, emotional regulation, improved communication, and often professional support like therapy, attachment-focused treatments, and mindful parenting in cases of parents.
8. In long-term relationships or marriage, disorganized attachment can result in adaptive patterns that maintain the anxious-avoidant dynamic, but healing and escaping that trap remain possible through the path of emotional awareness, relationship skills, and therapy.

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