Relationship Characteristics of Distant Bonding: Identifying Signs and Causes
Are you dating someone who's all about being alone or is struggling with that kind of relationship dynamic? Well, it's time to figure out what the heck is avoidant attachment in relationships!
If you're curious to learn how to ditch old beliefs and finally find happiness and connection, keep reading and take the attachment style quiz!
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What is avoidant attachment?
We've all got a love connection style, and avoidant is one of 'em. Our connection styles all start back in our infancy. Here's the lowdown on that!
The birth of attachment theory
The theory of attachment was created by psychoanalyst John Bowlby in Britain. Bowlby wanted to understand why babies get upset when separated from their parents. His pal Mary Ainsworth took his research a step further, defining the various kinds of connection styles we see today based on how babies react to parental separations. And Mary Main built upon Ainsworth's work to define the four essential connection categories:
- Anxious: These folks have low self-esteem and often worry about their relationships.
- Avoidant: These dudes fear commitment and often keep people at arm's length.
- Disorganized: This crowd is insecure and tends to have unpredictable behaviors.
- Secure: These partners have a positive self-image and are open to love without hesitation.
Romantic love? Totally the same affection we share with our parents! Our connection in adulthood can be a partial reflection of our past experiences with our caregivers. It's all about the earliest relationships that shape our expectations, beliefs, and dating rules.
So, in infancy, an avoidant child rejects their caregiver, even when they want to be close. The child might act indifferent when the parent leaves, and when they return, they'll avoid physical contact or withdrawal to their toys.
But there are actually two kinds of avoidant connection: fearful-avoidant and dismissive-avoidant, which we'll discuss next.
Avoidant adults are usually emotionally unavailable and keep some distance between themselves and their partner. They may have issues understanding and articulating their feelings, leading them to fear getting too close. It's common for them to have had family environments where open communication about feelings wasn't encouraged or accepted.
Signs of avoidant attachment
Ever wondered what it's like to have an avoidant connection style? Here are some telltale signs:
- You enter a relationship quickly but find yourself focusing on the relationship's shortcomings after a few months.
- Your lack of commitment? Just a symptom of your deep-rooted fear of commitment.
- You feel sensitive to even the tiniest requests from your partner because you fear they might want too much from you.
- You dodge taking responsibility in a relationship because you think you'll get blamed if things go wrong.
- You feel emotionally detached, but your feelings can occasionally get intense and scare you.
- You may struggle with perfectionism and fear failure, but you act tough to avoid showing vulnerability.
- You're drawn to complicated partners that make you work for it because, deep down, you believe you have to earn love and approval.
- Partners who are too "nice" and love you effortlessly make you feel unsure about your ability to make them happy and see them as dull.
- You might have addictions, like substance abuse, work addiction, and more.
Spot yourself or your partner in those signs? Let's dig deeper into the different forms of avoidant connections.
The two forms of avoidant attachment
The two main types of avoidant attachment are fearful-avoidant and dismissive-avoidant. Even though the two types avoid emotional closeness, their behaviors differ.
Fearful-avoidant attachment:
I call these energetic folks "Dance with Disaster." They want connection but fear it too.
They're often suspicious and distrustful of their partner's love, as well as their own ability to maintain a healthy relationship. They can be overly sensitive towards even the friendliest emotional requests.
Let's take Anna, for instance. Anna fluctuates between passionately expressing her love and suddenly turning cold like an iceberg for no reason at all. Even though she desperately yearns for love, she's terrified of getting too close and feeling abandoned or rejected. As a result, she tends to sabotage her relationships.
Her behavior is unpredictable and leads to short-lived relationships that burn brightly but fizzle out quickly. That gives her connection style its nickname, "fearful-avoidant."
Dismissive-avoidant attachment:
These are the people who seem to have their emotions under control, like the Rolling Stones! However, they're cut off from their feelings and unable to reach the same loving depth as their partners.
Let's discuss Amy's situation. Amy is an independent woman who enjoys socializing with amicable acquaintances. Despite jumping into relationships with both feet, she feels overwhelmed after three months and retreats. She values control, but this stifles her vulnerability, anxiety, and fears of abandonment, leading her to intense jealousy when her partner takes interest in others. This usually spirals the pair into a toxic dynamic known as the "anxious-avoidant trap." If Amy maintains this pattern, we could refer to her connection style as "dismissive-avoidant."
So, now you know what avoidant attachment is and the different forms it takes. But how does it develop? Let's explore!
The formation of the avoidant connection
Our connection styles are shaped by our relationships with our primary caregivers and adults in our day-to-day life. So, how does avoidant attachment specifically form?
People who develop insecure attachment styles as children often grew up in emotionally dismissive or enmeshed homes. Dismissive households have a lack of emotional contact and invalidate negative feelings, while enmeshed homes invade personal boundaries and disregard anyone's privacy. These environments may lead to confusion and anxiety when it comes to recognizing and expressing feelings correctly, causing people to become emotionally unavailable.
Take a look at this quick video for more insights:
Now, sometimes, adults may develop avoidant behaviors based on their experiences with a dismissive-secure partner.
But how does avoidant attachment affect partnerships? Let's dive in.
The impact of avoidant attachment on relationships
Emotional unavailability and avoidant behaviors can wreak havoc on relationships. Most of us have been in a relationship with someone who avoids emotional vulnerability as a coping mechanism.
Avoidant individuals often clam up, ignore, or change the subject when faced with emotional triggers. They might try to act tough, deny observations, or dismiss them as unimportant. This can hurt relationships and create emotional distance.
The experience of dating an avoidant partner
Are you or your partner acting all stand-offish? Research suggests that insecure attachment styles often play these manipulative games, like stringing people along with breadcrumbs or benching them.
This behavior gives an avoidant partner a sense of control, but it also keeps the other partner hanging on. They might be unaware that what's really happening is the avoidant person is just trying to protect themselves from emotional vulnerability.
Ready to spot an avoidant partner in your life? Here are six common behaviors to keep an eye out for.
1. They keep you separate from their relationships
For example, your partner's friends may not take your relationship seriously or give you pet names that objectify and dehumanize you.
Reason: Pet names are sweet, but immature code names help create emotional distance between partners because getting too close is a threat.
2. They might react harshly to your requests
Even small requests for emotional support might be seen as major demands and cause them to act defensively.
Reason: Avoidant people are hypersensitive to any hint of control or manipulation and view requests for attention as criticism.
3. They avoid discussing the relationship progressing or defining it
At first, your avoidant partner may seem okay with keeping things casual. But as your relationship develops, they might retreat, fearing that defining the relationship will lead to increased expectations.
Reason: Afraid of commitment and possible rejection, they try to avoid conversations about relationship advancement.
4. They may maintain relationships with exes
Your partner might still be active on social media with their exes or have a hard time closing the door on past relationships, making you feel like you're competing with others for their attention.
Reason: To remind you of your place and up the anxiety meter, they flirt or interact with exes or leave you hanging with unclear commitments.
5. They may turn you into their cheerleader
Your partner might lean on you for support and emotional validation, but this isn't a reciprocal relationship that leads to emotional closeness and romantic connection.
Reason: Even though avoidant partners may feel supported by their partner's unconditional love, they often keep others at arm's length.
6. They talk about how relationships never work
Your partner might use excessive research and evidence to prove that relationships are inherently doomed, viewing them as a bad, disappointing, or dangerous experience.
Reason: Avoidant individuals view romance as a negative thing and avoid it to protect themselves emotionally.
Now that you understand the triggers for an avoidant partner and what drives their behavior, it's time to explore ways to break free from these patterns.
Breaking free from avoidant attachment
Avoidant patterns can be difficult to break, but with the right tools and support, it is possible to overcome avoidant attachment and enjoy a secure connection!
Those with avoidant tendencies, whether single or in a struggling relationship, can find solutions through therapy, workshops, and courses like Avoidant Attachment 101.
Here are some words from happy students:
- Single avoidant individuals can use adult relationship programs like Avoidant Attachment 101 to work on their emotional availability.
- Those who are struggling emotionally in a relationship like Irena found help and support through Avoidant Attachment 101. She was able to get in touch with her emotions and grow closer to her partner.
- For couples who are ready to ditch their avoidant tendencies and grow together, there's a video to help you understand avoidant behaviors and tackle them head-on.
So, whether you're dealing with an avoidant partner or want to overcome avoidant tendencies, there is hope! With the right guidance, you can cultivate a healthy, emotionally fulfilling connection based on mutual trust and love.
To Sum It Up
Now you know everything there is to know about avoidant attachment in relationships, from its signs and forms to ways to achieve a secure, love-filled connection. Whether you're an avoidant individual or dealing with an avoidant partner, there's help available to transform your love life!
- The avoidant attachment style, defined by psychologist John Bowlby, is one of many connection styles that start in infancy and can affect our adult relationships.
- Mary Ainsworth, building upon Bowlby's work, defined four essential connection categories: anxious, avoidant, disorganized, and secure.
- An avoidant individual is emotionally unavailable and keeps some distance from their partner due to their fear of commitment and difficulty understanding and articulating their own feelings.
- Signs of avoidant attachment include entering a relationship quickly, focusing on shortcomings after a few months, sensitivity to partner's requests, dodging responsibility, emotional detachment, fear of failure, perfectionism, and attraction to complicated partners.
- Avoidant adults may struggle with trust, intimacy, and emotional expression due to upbringings in emotionally dismissive or enmeshed households or previous interactions with dismissive-secure partners.
- The two types of avoidant attachment, fearful-avoidant and dismissive-avoidant, differ in behaviors, yet both avoid emotional closeness and tend towards short-lived relationships.
- Therapy, workshops, and courses such as Avoidant Attachment 101 can help those with avoidant tendencies overcome their attachment style and cultivate a secure, loving connection.
- In relationships, avoidant behaviors like ignoring, changing the subject, and denying observations can create emotional distance and harm partnerships.
- Understanding the triggers and behaviors of an avoidant partner can lead to better communication, emotional intimacy, and a stronger, healthier relationship.
