Strategies for Calming Anxious Bonding (Manual)
Revised Article
Have you ever felt like you're perpetually clingy or anxious in relationships? You're not alone. Today, we're diving into the world of anxious attachment and discussing practical methods for self-soothing this pattern. So grab a cup of coffee, take a deep breath, and let's dive in!
First things first—what even is anxious attachment?
Anxious attachment is one of four attachment styles.Attachment styles stem from attachment theory, which observes the relationships between humans. A child forms an emotional bond with at least one primary caregiver by learning to meet their physical and emotional needs. If this bond is strong, they develop secure attachment. However, if it's weak or absent, they might develop insecure attachment. The three insecure attachment styles are anxious, avoidant, and disorganized.
In this quick vid, I delve deeper into these styles if you're interested:
Now let's focus on insecure attachment and its anxious cousin.
Anxious Insecure Attachment and Relationships
People with anxious attachment tend to crave constant attention and recognition from their partner. In contrast, avoidant attachment types seek solitude and distance themselves when their partner becomes too intense. Despite their differences, they often end up in a loop where their behaviors trigger each other.
Let's examine anxious attachment in relationships.
Anxious individuals might exhibit lower positive affect, higher negative affect, and fear of losing control. They may struggle with low self-esteem, stemming from a fear of abandonment and rejection. Childhood emotional neglect or antipathy can contribute to this fear and, in turn, anxious attachment.
However, anxious attachment can develop later in life if you respond to an avoidant partner's behavior.
So, you might find yourself being overly jealous, overly helpful, and easily feeling unworthy in relationships. You might also take on guilt, blame, and responsibility, struggle with self-esteem issues, and become overly sensitive to perceived threats. You might try to keep your partner entwined in your life by manipulative behaviors, such as snooping or provoking jealousy.
But hey, don't worry—all hope isn't lost! With a little effort, you can learn to self-soothe your anxious attachment.
Anxious Attachment Triggers
Knowing your triggers is crucial for self-soothing. Common triggers might include:
- Your partner withdraws and stops responding to you
- You feel abandoned as you perceive coldness
- You're jealous of your partner and think they're withholding things
- Your partner downplays your feelings
Statements like "It's not a big deal. Why are you so upset?" or "I just need some space" can set you off.
When triggered, you might engage in protest behavior, trying to re-establish the connection and get your partner's attention. However, this behavior can push your partner away and intensify your anxiety.
Knowing what it means to be anxiously attached and why you behave as you do in relationships is the first step to self-awareness and healing. Now, let's dive into the nitty-gritty.
Self-Soothing Anxious Attachment
Remember, your attachment style isn't permanent and can be modified! Here's how to self-soothe anxious attachment:
Step 1: Breathe
Take deep breaths, focusing on being present in the moment. Notice what you're feeling, and find a physical anchor (a mental safe space) to return to when triggered.
Step 2: Change Your Thinking
When you feel anxious, you'll likely have thoughts running wild. Instead of suppressing them, let the thoughts flow freely. Then, shift your focus to something positive, like planning your next vacation to divert your thoughts.
Step 3: Be the Hero of Your Story
You may unconsciously put a lot of energy into your partner, sacrificing your own needs and desires. To snap out of this habit, ask yourself: How would I write my story, how can I be the hero of my own story? What needs to change for me to live my best life?
For further tips on these steps, watch this video:
Additional Strategies for Self-Soothing
Want more tools to self-soothe daily? Check these out:
1. Mindfulness
Practice mindfulness, a form of meditation that helps you recognize emotions without judgment, increasing self-awareness. Mindfulness can help you understand your actions and respond differently. Research shows links between mindfulness and lower levels of insecure attachment. Check out this video for a quick mindfulness exercise:
2. Support System
Find a community of people working towards the same goal as you. My online courses offer such a community where you can ask questions and get support.
3. Therapy
Consulting a therapist can help you gain insight into your attachment wounds. Online therapy can be an accessible way to connect with a professional.
4. Sleep and Exercise
Ensure you get 7-8 hours of sleep each night. Inadequate sleep can exacerbate anxiety. Regular exercise can provide mental benefits, divert your thoughts, and promote emotional regulation.
Remember, self-soothing anxious attachment is just the start. To heal completely, work to shift from anxious attachment to secure attachment.
Healing Anxious Attachment and Shifting to Secure Attachment
To heal your anxious attachment, work towards securing attachment. Research shows that it's possible to change your attachment style as an adult.
Develop Self-Esteem
To transition to secure attachment, you must first believe that you are valuable. Overcoming your fears of rejection and affirming your worth is essential. Building trust in your partner and yourself is the foundation of a healthy relationship.
Focus on Mind, Body, and Spirit
Healing your anxious attachment requires work on three levels: the mind, body, and spirit. Let's explore each one:
Mind
To stop repeating old behaviors, recognize and break negative thought patterns. Therapy can help you uncover the roots of your anxious attachment and offer strategies for change.
Body
Engage in creative activities like art therapy to unlock information about your attachment patterns and emotional expression. Creative arts interventions promote healing by creating new sensorial experiences, improving brain integration, and awakening your life force energy.
Spirit
Connect with your inner child or inner critic through understanding your emotions as energy flowing through your body. Rather than letting your emotions overwhelm you, acknowledge and manage them.
What's next? Take these steps to start your healing journey:
- Journaling: Recognize patterns and emotions, understanding how they influence your behaviors.
- Reshape Core Beliefs: Rewrite negative beliefs with compassionate truths to combat anxious behaviors.
- Engage in Activities: Participate in activities like yoga, walking in nature, or meditation to promote balance and well-being.
By implementing these strategies, you can develop more secure and fulfilling relationships.
So, what's your biggest question about self-soothing anxious attachment? Let me know below!
- Understanding anxious attachment is the first step towards recognizing the root causes of perpetual clinginess or anxiety in relationships.
- People with anxious attachment tend to crave constant attention and recognition from their partners, while avoidant attachment types seek solitude and distance themselves when their partner becomes too intense.
- Triggers for anxious attachment may include feelings of being abandoned, jealousy, perceived coldness, or downplaying of feelings by a partner.
- To self-soothe anxious attachment, take deep breaths, focus on the present moment, and change negative thoughts to positive ones.
- In addition to self-soothing, therapy, mindfulness, a support system, adequate sleep, and exercise can provide further tools for managing anxious attachment.
- Art therapy, as a creative activity, can help unlock information about attachment patterns and emotional expression, promoting healing.
- Healing anxious attachment requires work on three levels: the mind, body, and spirit, focusing on recognizing and breaking negative thought patterns, engaging in creative activities, and connecting with inner emotions.
- Developing self-esteem, building trust in oneself and one's partner, and focusing on mind, body, and spirit can help shift from anxious attachment to secure attachment.
- Strategies for healing anxious attachment include journaling, reshaping core beliefs, and engaging in activities like yoga, walk in nature, or meditation to promote balance and well-being in personal growth, mental health, lifestyle, education-and-self-development, and health-and-wellness.
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